Are You a Secure Lover?
Are You a Secure Lover?
Anxiety
Avoidance
Attachment Types You Choose
Getting More Secure
History Behind the Test
For More Reading
Kathy, you have what psychologists call a Secure relationship attachment style.
Secure
You tend to be an open and trusting romantic partner. You find it relatively easy to get close to people, and are generally comfortable depending on others.
Attachment style begins in infancy with the interactions we have with our parents or primary caregivers. Through these early relationships we begin to understand the dynamics and patterns of close relationships and we carry this perspective into our adult relationships.
Psychologists have identified four different relationship attachment styles: secure, preoccupied, dismissing avoidant, and fearful avoidant. Despite the alarming sounding names of some of these styles, there are many understandable reasons why people develop them. Further along in this report we will explain some of the issues underlying each of the attachment styles.
10% of those who have taken our test share this style of attachment.
When you choose a romantic partner you tend to gravitate towards those who have what psychologists call a secure attachment style. These are people who are warm, open and trusting. People who have a secure attachment style are typically comfortable with themselves and show high regard for others.
Your answers on our test show that when it comes to relationships you probably had a solid start in life and you have developed primarily healthy relationship patterns. While you may not have resolved every issue, you have already developed strong relationship skills.
To find out more about your own attachment style, the attachment style of those you tend to choose for romantic relationships, and how to develop a more secure attachment style, read on!
The Two Axes of Anxiety and Avoidance
High Anxiety
Low Avoidance
High Avoidance
Low Anxiety
As you can see in the above graph, there are two key dimensions that determine a person's relationship attachment style: Anxiety and Avoidance. In the following section you'll find out what specific behaviors and issues of yours contributed to your score on each of these axes, and how your scores compare with others.
Are You a Secure Lover?
Anxiety
Avoidance
Attachment Types You Choose
Getting More Secure
History Behind the Test
For More Reading
Anxiety
The primary issue underlying the dimension of anxiety with respect to relationship attachment style is fear of abandonment. Those high on the anxiety scale crave closeness and connection with others.
Through our own extensive research study, Tickle has identified five key subfactors of behavior and experience that make up the dimension of anxiety. Each of these subfactors is described below and you can see how you scored compared with others.
Loneliness
Average Score
Your Score
3
People who report higher levels of loneliness, particularly in the absence of a romantic relationship, tend to have overall higher anxiety scores.
As you can see in the chart above, you scored lower than average with respect to feelings of loneliness. This suggests that in general you are less prone to feelings of loneliness than others and, in the context of psychological attachment, you tend to place somewhat less emphasis on your romantic relationships than most others. This is not to say that your romantic relationships aren't important, but in the absence of a romantic relationship you are likely to still have a strong supportive social network of friends and/or family.
Self-Confidence
People who report lower levels of self-confidence tend to have higher overall anxiety scores.
Average Score
Your Score
6
Your responses indicate that your level of self-confidence is about average. It's likely that you have found a balance between living in accordance with your own internal standards and meeting other people's expectations. You probably care what other's think of you, but you're not likely to let that stop you if you feel strongly about something. In other words, you value the insight and opinions of others, but you generally make your own choices.
Fear of Loss
Average Score
Your Score
4
Expressing greater fear of loss or abandonment with respect to close relationships contributes to overall higher scores on anxiety.
Your score shows that you have less fear of loss than do most people. It's likely that partings and absences from those you care about are not especially difficult for you. You seem to know deep down that even if you do lose someone you love, you can and will survive.
Closeness Seeking
Average Score
Your Score
5
Those who have high needs for closeness and emotional intimacy with others also tend to have higher anxiety scores.
Your responses suggest that your tendency to seek closeness is about the same as most people. You are fairly open in your interpersonal interactions, but you're not likely to tell someone everything about yourself in the first five minutes. You also probably don't want to know everything about someone else just after meeting him or her. You tend to be someone who develops closeness with others gradually, and in a fairly balanced and reciprocal fashion.
Jealousy
Average Score
Your Score
4
Those who are highly jealous tend to have higher anxiety scores.
Your score shows that you tend to be less jealous than most people. When you are in a romantic relationship you're not likely to feel especially vulnerable to the loss of your partner. Because of this level of confidence in your partner and/or in your ability to live without a partner, you don't tend to express a great deal of jealousy.
Are You a Secure Lover?
Anxiety
Avoidance
Attachment Types You Choose
Getting More Secure
History Behind the Test
For More Reading
Avoidance
The primary issue underlying the dimension of avoidance with respect to relationship attachment style is fear of commitment. Those high on the avoidance scale don't trust that others can always be counted on, and they prize independence and self-reliance.
Through our own extensive research study, Tickle has identified five key subfactors of behavior and experience that make up the dimension of avoidance. Each of these subfactors is described below and you can see how you scored compared with others.
Misunderstood
Average Score
Your Score
5
Those who feel highly misunderstood tend to have higher avoidance scores.
Your responses indicate that, like most people, there are times when you feel understood and times when you don't. There may occasionally be times when you feel uncertain as to whether others would truly care for you if they had a glimpse of the person you are deep down. But the desire to be understood is strong enough that you are sometimes willing and able to engage in the kind of emotionally intimate communication that creates feelings of closeness and understanding between two people.
Emotional Caution
Average Score
Your Score
5.5
People who are highly emotionally cautious tend to have higher avoidance scores.
As you can see in the above chart, your level of emotional caution is about average. Specifically, there may be times when you are cautious about trusting other people. You may sometimes feel that other people have selfish motives and can't always be relied upon. But despite this, there are people who you do trust and know you can count on.
Loner
Average Score
Your Score
6
People who are loners tend to have higher avoidance scores.
You tend to be more of a loner than most people, and your need for solitude is generally higher than most other people. Being in a crowd is probably not something you'd enjoy. You may sometimes feel that you don't really understand other people. You would likely be most happy in a job that gave you a great deal of autonomy and enabled you to work primarily on your own.
Independence
Average Score
Your Score
3
People who are high in independence tend to have higher avoidance scores.
Your score shows that you tend to be less independent than most people. Specifically, when life gets tough you are generally someone who reaches out to those closest to you. You are usually able and willing to seek social support in times of crises. You tend to be someone who is able to express your pain, and you probably find it most helpful to process that pain with someone you know cares for you.
Risk Aversion
Average Score
Your Score
2
People who are high in risk aversion tend to have higher avoidance scores.
Your responses suggest that compared to others you are lower in risk aversion. In other words, you probably enjoy taking a risk now and then, perhaps because you have an underlying confidence that no matter what happens you'll be okay. You tend to be someone who is open to new people and situations.
Are You a Secure Lover?
Anxiety
Avoidance
Attachment Types You Choose
Getting More Secure
History Behind the Test
For More Reading
Attachment Types You Choose
High Anxiety
Low Avoidance
High Avoidance
Low Anxiety
Your Attachment Types Attachment Types You Choose
As you read earlier and can see in the above graph, your responses on our test indicate that you are most likely to choose romantic partners who have a Secure attachment style. In this section you'll learn more about all four attachment styles you might encounter in your romantic partners.
Keep in mind that while a person may have an overall insecure attachment style, they can still have some behaviors and tendencies that are more secure. Based on the experiences we each have with close relationships our attachment style can be modified. We'll tell you more about how attachment style can change in the following section called "Getting More Secure."
Secure
As the name suggests, a secure attachment style is the psychological ideal. According to the original theory of attachment proposed by psychologist John Bowlby (1969), secure attachment develops when the needs of an infant child, from birth to about age two, are consistently and successfully met by the primary care giver. In other words, we learn at a very young age whether the world and the people in it can be counted on to meet our needs, from the most basic need of hunger, to our needs for love and affection.
As we mature and begin romantic relationships we bring with us this fundamental view about what we can expect from other people. People with a secure attachment style tend to be positive, optimistic, and constructive in their interactions with others. They tend to be more trusting and less prone to loneliness than those with insecure attachment styles. They enjoy sex, especially with long-term partners.
Preoccupied
According to Bowlby's theory, preoccupied attachment style develops when the needs of an infant are inconsistently and/or unsuccessfully met by the primary care giver. In other words, the child learns that sometimes needs are met and sometimes they are not. Ultimately this creates a desire for closeness and affection combined with a fear of rejection or abandonment.
People with a preoccupied attachment style tend to show a great deal of openness and eagerness to get close in a romantic relationship. They tend to be emotional, especially under stress, and may display more jealousy than those with other attachment styles. When it comes to sex, they may prefer being cuddly to actual intercourse. People with a preoccupied attachment style are typically very loyal and devoted partners.
Dismissing Avoidant
The dismissing avoidant attachment style is theorized to develop when the needs of an infant are consistently not met by the primary caregiver. Bowlby originally observed this style of attachment following World War II in over crowded British orphanages. Because there were so many children and so few staff, the babies were often left alone in cribs for extended periods of time. Not having their basic needs of hunger and affection met, these children learned that the world and the people in it could not be counted on to take care of them.
People with dismissing avoidant attachment style tend to very independent and self-reliant. They don't usually find it easy to open up to others or to let themselves depend on other people. They tend to withdraw from their romantic partner when they or their partner are under stress. When it comes to sex, they are more likely than those with other attachment styles to engage in casual sex. People with a dismissing avoidant attachment style can be attractive because getting to know who they truly are poses an intriguing challenge.
Fearful Avoidant
The fearful avoidant attachment style was not part of Bowlby's original theory, but has recently been observed and studied by psychologists who specialize in adult attachment. The causes of this attachment style are not uniformly agreed upon by psychologists. It has been hypothesized that the early childhood roots of "fearful avoidants" and "dismissing avoidants" are similar in not having their basic needs consistently satisfied. However, when sex-role socialization begins when these types are toddlers, the styles diverge. Studies based on this hypothesis show that there are more males who are dismissing avoidants and more females who are fearful avoidants. Other psychologists suggest the possibility that the development of a fearful avoidant style may be related to an experience of significant loss or trauma.
People with a fearful avoidant attachment style have both a desire for closeness as well as a need for space and independence. They may at times lack self-confidence and may also harbor some fears of rejection. They are likely to show more emotion than those who are dismissing avoidants, but may sometimes still find it difficult to really open up to others. When it comes to sex, fearful avoidants may think they can handle casual sex, but may be more likely than others to then feel unsatisfied with that type of arrangement. People with a fearful avoidant attachment style can be attractive because they tend to be complicated and compelling.
Whatever attachment style you, your partner, or your potential partners might have, it is possible to develop a more secure attachment style.
Are You a Secure Lover?
Anxiety
Avoidance
Attachment Types You Choose
Getting More Secure
History Behind the Test
For More Reading
Getting More Secure
As we've said throughout this report, attachment style is formed in infancy, but it continues throughout one's life. The beliefs about the world and the people in it that we form early on can and do affect our relationships, but our relationships and experiences continue to shape our beliefs as well. In other words, attachment style is not necessarily set in stone at age two. With thoughtful effort, a person with an "insecure" attachment style can develop one that is more secure.
The key to developing a more secure attachment style is in addressing the deep-seated fears that are below the surface of the insecure attachment styles. As noted earlier, those are fears about security in interpersonal relationships: fear of abandonment and fear of commitment. Both of these fears stem from core feelings and beliefs that see the self as unlovable and/or other people as undependable. Internal thoughts such as "you can't really count on anyone but yourself," or "men/women always leave" support and perpetuate this belief. Changing those deeply rooted beliefs isn't easy, but it can be done. Simply noticing the kinds of thoughts or messages you give yourself can be a first step. Recognizing that the thought is false is another important step. Replacing the internal messages and thus the beliefs is the most challenging step.
Many people find it helpful to work with a trained psychologist, psychiatrist, or licensed clinical social worker when trying to develop a more secure attachment style. There are many different forms of therapy that can be helpful. It's important to find a therapist and a type of therapy that feels most comfortable to you.
There is individual psychotherapy in which you work one on one with a therapist. While many therapists are able to use a variety of techniques, most have a particular style that they use most frequently. Some examples of different styles or approaches are:
* Cognitive/behavioral therapy, which primarily focuses on identifying and changing specific thoughts and behaviors.
* Psychodynamic therapy, which focuses heavily on early childhood experiences.
* Rogerian or client-centered therapy in which the therapist provides unconditional positive regard.
* Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which combines techniques of acceptance and validation with techniques of problem solving and behavior change.
As an individual, there is also the option of individual group therapy. Group therapy brings together a small number of individuals with a therapist or group facilitator. Typically, the primary goal of group therapy is to provide and model social support as well as helping the individual members of the group to improve their social and relationship interaction skills.
Another option is couples therapy. If you are already in a romantic relationship but wish to improve your interactions, this could be the route for you. Like individual therapy, couples therapists can employ a variety of therapeutic techniques or styles. One therapeutic approach that is specifically designed to address attachment issues is Emotionally Focused Therapy or EMT. EMT is a short-term therapeutic technique, usually consisting of 8 to 20 sessions. This approach works to de-escalate negative interactions and foster new patterns that promote secure bonding between partners. The goal of this therapy is to reorganize key emotional responses.
When there is an entire family involved, there is the option of family systems therapy. Most of the therapies employed with individuals or couples may also be used with a family. Typically the focus of family therapy is the interactions between family members.
Any of these can be effective; what's most important is finding a therapist and the type of therapy that feels right for you.
Are You a Secure Lover?
Anxiety
Avoidance
Attachment Types You Choose
Getting More Secure
History Behind the Test
For More Reading
History Behind the Test
Tickle's Are You a Secure Lover? test was created using the latest theories and measures from adult attachment psychology. We conducted our own extensive study with over one thousand participants to ascertain and measure the major components of attachment. A factor analysis enabled us to identify the subfactors described in this report that comprise the major attachment dimensions of Anxiety and Avoidance.
As we have noted elsewhere, attachment theory was originally put forth by the psychologist John Bowlby. Bowlby was interested in the fundamental need that people have for security and how that is satisfied within our closest interpersonal relationships. His primary focus was to describe and explain how infants become emotionally attached to their primary caregivers and emotionally distressed when separated from them. In more recent years, psychologists such as Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver have extended Bowlby's analysis to the romantic love of adult relationships. These theorists suggest that romantic love is a process of becoming attached and that this process is affected by individual's attachment history. If you're still eager to learn more about adult attachment or attachment theory in general, check out the references we've listed below.
